CONTINENTAL HUMOR: THE SIZE OF THE AMERICAN PENIS

“Do you want enlarge your penis up to 4 inches?” No matter I am a woman who has longtime ago overcome that envy which made Freud rant about gender and accepted that I have no penis at all, small or long, but an equally serving vagina, I still receive dozens, if not hundreds of spam a week with the call of the mermaid. No, sir, I don’t want to enlarge a penis I don’t have and you would better trim your spam listings before sending them out. Such an amount of messages around the lines of “‎Imagine being able to put on inches permanently, safely, and quickly,” “Tired of a small cock?”, “It's normal to be ashamed if you have a small schlong, but change that around today” must have a better clientele than non envious women. The language is clearly and unmistakably American and whether I am still wondering if this type of spam is written by angry females or by rogues of any sex who know the nail they have to hit to sell pills, devices, or herbs or to get the click that will confirm a name in a spam list, I have no doubts they address American men.

The problem is that besides being a woman, I am a foreigner, and this spam is reaching not only Americans, who may laugh at it, but the whole world. In Beijing, Rome, El Cairo, Sidney or Buenos Aires, where I live, people envious of the American superpower also laugh. Thanks to spam, they are now into the long time kept secret of what is behind so much war. Freud helps them to deduct that a small penis calls for great empires. How come Homeland Security hasn’t noticed this leak in the American border? How come the Department of State didn’t detect the actual reason beneath the loss of American influence in the planet? How could ever America get her reputation back when spam addressed to American men yell in the world’s email boxes: “The problem is that you have a small one.”

America the beautiful, land of the free and home of the brave, confesses to the world her impotence to comply with the constitutional mandate of bed happiness. Is this true? Or is this spam written in anger by Arabs, by Chavez’ Venezuelan followers or by Castro’s Cubans, the usual suspects, all making a projection of their own lack? Will an atomic threat substitute later the spam in what is now only a more subtle dirty war? A spam which boasts “I carry a bazooka in my pants walking around” may be giving a clue that, after all, penis spam could really belong to some kind of unstated military problem.

But not all is about war in these uncertain times in which the economy takes the lead in presidential debates. The math and the grammar police combined could take a look at the funny “9 inches in your pennies will make you the world’s 8th wonder to women.” If 4 inches are usually promised and 9 inches is the final length, that means the average American penis is 5 inches long which doesn’t look that bad and wouldn't be a reason for so much war. On the other side, if the plural of penis is pennies, Freud might have something to add to the slip: power comes also from money and not just from building empires.

I can better understand the other series of penis spam, referred to Viagra and what spam calls the “Whopping Dick,” because it’s about age and decay. All males in the world will sooner or later have to deal with this, but the persistence in making of it a priority adds to the worries about size and, there we go again, the penis shines as an unavoidable American obsession. Written in American slang most of the times, this spam excels in distribution and seems to have no competitors: there is little or none spam in other languages concerning other foreign nationals. In the rest of the world, men have something else in mind but their penises.

Could it be that all this tragedy finally comes from the also often mentioned eternal dissatisfaction of American women? A careful reading of spam suggests that this uncomfortable revelation of too small American penises could have been triggered by the overwhelming demands of those bitches who always want more. To rescue male readers from despair and hopelessness, spam advices: “Do not worry! You have unique possibility to solve this problem. At present you can enlarge your male aggregate size.” In spam, promises soar, “You will be a king of bed sure enough,” while the actual problem is faced: “Don't let girls laugh at your small manhood, when you can add inches so easily.” But it's America and it all comes about reaching a Hollywood ending to this penis affair: “Bigger, better, mightier means getting laid more.” No matter what the world may think about the penis quandaries of American men or the fury of desperate wives, the problem can always be solved and men and women live happily ever after. Where there is a will, there is a way.